"I don't know how you do it." I hear and read often that being a parent of someone with "SpecialAbilities" this particular phrase is supposed to annoy me. It doesn't. I think it's kind of silly to be annoyed by it. Most of the time I have no idea how we do it either, other than trying our best and loving our most one day at a time.
The things I have heard that have and do annoy me, are when someone says
"Other than her not talking, she's just like any other kid." It comes across as if they're disregarding everything else she has worked so hard at. I know if she were speaking, she would still have other challenges that other "typically" developing 6year olds don't.
"I just don't think she understands the importance of speech." Now, this one REALLY ticked me off (I said nothing to the person who said it 'cause ya gotta pick your battles, and ultimately at the end of the day....it wasn't a battle worth fighting--yet). I am fairly sure she would LOVE to be able to tell me if she was hungry and hungry for what instead of tossin' my hands near whatever it is that she wants and jumping up and down smacking herself on the legs because I'm not getting it, OR when she is sick I imagine she'd love to be able to what she needs and what I can do to help her feel better. I am certain she understands the importance of speech/communication. We work everyday to try and help her find her inner voice. She is able to communicate more with us now than she was 3years ago. There is still no speech, but thinking outside of the box and being an amazing critical thinker are a couple of her strengths.
"She should be potty-trained" [while giving me that look that -clearly- says it's because I'm not trying nearly hard enough and ultimately makes me feel like I'm failing as a parent. I already feel that way enough with my 6yr old not being potty trained]. No parent wants their child to be an adult in diapers. It wasn't until last summer before she didn't flip out every time she walked past a bathroom door and scream and close the doors. Everyone in our household was having to use the bathroom in the dark until the end of last summer/early last fall because it bothered her so much.
"We are not a school so we don't do that kinda thing." this was after I went to see about getting her involved with VBS at a local church and spoke to them about some of her challenges. She had went to school with several of the kids and they knew her, and I wanted her to be in the class with her classmates instead of being in the nursery area. I knew the lady that would be the teacher and the lady in the nursery so I just went around the first lady and talked to the other ladies. The nursery lady who, if my little one needed a changing was more than okay with helping out. The teacher lady had seen my girl since around when she was first born, and was okay with her being in her class as well. I still firmly believe I should have never been told that by the first lady, because that is one way to get families to shy away from church in general.
Tommy heard this one I didn't.
"Your child wouldn't have Autism if you just prayed it out of her." I have actually heard others tell me "She wouldn't have it if you had prayed more and had more faith." Which I think is ridiculously stupid (and also not very Christ-like either).
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'd love for some to offer to come and hang out with the kids so I feel like Tommy and I can have some time to ourselves, but there's the whole problem with the fact we are INCREDIBLY picky about who we will allow to watch our kids. I mean, it's like only two people we're comfortable with and they have lives/families/kids of their own. When someone offers and are genuine about it (and not just saying it because they think it's the polite thing to say) it is very much appreciated, even if we don't ever take you up on it. This past school year both kids stayed the night away from us one time and it very well may have been the first time BOTH kids have stayed away.
Asking me to hang out with or without our kids, I like that and not feeling put out when I take you up on your invite. If I feel like you're feeling a tad put out, there's a good likelihood I may give it a try another time or two but after that....I'll assume you were just trying to be friendly but didn't really want us around (there may also be a good chance I'm a tad hyper sensitive about that).
I figure I'm much like any other parent in this regard, though.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Will it Bring you Together or Tear you Apart?
What would you do if realized you needed help with your child? If you realized they were going to need significant care for the majority of their lives? How would that impact your relationships, friendships, marriage? I've read (several) articles sighting that the divorce rate of parents with autistic children is up to 80%, although I did come across one earlier today that said it was more 24% as their children are in their teen to adult years (parents with typically developing children were 14%)...so there was a bigger likelihood for parents with autistic children to divorce as their children are getting older as opposed to other parents where the likelihood decreases. I have no idea how accurate these studies/findings are, but there's been many sighting the divorce rate is significantly increased.
Tommy and I do get along fairly well. I think we do a better job now, than we did a few years ago. Around year 3 of our marriage we were [probably] ThisClose to getting divorced. That was before Faith was even born. The things that most likely saved us, was I had been divorced before and it sucked. It sucked a lot. I didn't want to go through that again (for better or worse). We weren't ready to totally give up on it all. Even if that meant we lived in the same house and didn't speak to each other. It probably wouldn't be much of a stretch to say I didn't say a word to him for a good 2months (possibly longer), but was not ready to give up on this. Obviously, he wasn't either. We finally did have some meaningful, difficult conversations that began our road to getting back to where we were, where we needed to be.
During the time of discussion that Faith might have autism because she was 3 and didn't talk (at all) and she screamed and cried 12+ hours a day and nothing we did ever seemed to help it, we came together more. We had to. We had to learn how to better communicate what we needed from each other to make this all work. Giving each other the support and encouragement we both needed, our kids need to see that from us. We're not mind readers, so we had to figure out how to let each other know just what we needed. I know during this time, for me at least, it brought me closer to him. He was on "my side" to be my partner, encourager, supporter, and friend. I found more of a "one ness" in the marriage than what I had ever experienced before. He never once made me feel "crazy". He took all of my concerns seriously and listened without making me feel silly, stupid or less than. He can sometimes make people feel stupid (intentionally and unintentionally).
Like he's said (and I've heard so many others say), it can bring you closer together or it can tear you apart. We chose to come closer together and as long as we continue to communicate our wants and needs, support and encourage each other we'll continue to grow.
Tommy and I do get along fairly well. I think we do a better job now, than we did a few years ago. Around year 3 of our marriage we were [probably] ThisClose to getting divorced. That was before Faith was even born. The things that most likely saved us, was I had been divorced before and it sucked. It sucked a lot. I didn't want to go through that again (for better or worse). We weren't ready to totally give up on it all. Even if that meant we lived in the same house and didn't speak to each other. It probably wouldn't be much of a stretch to say I didn't say a word to him for a good 2months (possibly longer), but was not ready to give up on this. Obviously, he wasn't either. We finally did have some meaningful, difficult conversations that began our road to getting back to where we were, where we needed to be.
During the time of discussion that Faith might have autism because she was 3 and didn't talk (at all) and she screamed and cried 12+ hours a day and nothing we did ever seemed to help it, we came together more. We had to. We had to learn how to better communicate what we needed from each other to make this all work. Giving each other the support and encouragement we both needed, our kids need to see that from us. We're not mind readers, so we had to figure out how to let each other know just what we needed. I know during this time, for me at least, it brought me closer to him. He was on "my side" to be my partner, encourager, supporter, and friend. I found more of a "one ness" in the marriage than what I had ever experienced before. He never once made me feel "crazy". He took all of my concerns seriously and listened without making me feel silly, stupid or less than. He can sometimes make people feel stupid (intentionally and unintentionally).
Like he's said (and I've heard so many others say), it can bring you closer together or it can tear you apart. We chose to come closer together and as long as we continue to communicate our wants and needs, support and encourage each other we'll continue to grow.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Where My Heart Is
Encouraging marriage, lifting up our spouses, and learning more of how to become "one". This is on my heart a lot lately. I know I've got a couple of friends on Facebook that do such a fantastic job of showing encouragement to others. I appreciate that such a great deal. I also get that it's a "cyber world" and we can choose to let others see the sides of them we want to let them into.
I was married, very briefly, before Tommy. My first husband and I did a fantastic job of forgetting to act like we actually wanted to be married to each other and screwed up in some pretty massive ways (okay, I did. I can own my part and since I am not him I can not speak for him). While I'm not totally against divorce (there are some incredibly good, valid reasons to get the heck away from each other). It is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. Strange and silly as it may sound, no one ever talked with me about all of the guilt that would surround you for years to come once you went through a divorce. I think that should be stuck in the pre-marital counseling somewhere, just so people are aware. Life did get better for me (probably for him too, as I said we did a fantastic job of forgetting to act like we actually wanted to be married). He's a good person, I try to be a good person. I've no doubt he's a fantastic father to his children and I also try to be a good momma to my children. Some days I'm more successful than other days. No matter what, though, my children know I love them and I'm proud of who they are and who they are becoming (even on my cranky days). I always want to remember the first marriage, not because I want to live in the past but because I NEED to always remember not to take my spouse for granted and to let him know how thankful I am that we are where we are. We learn so much from our past experiences. It's good to take that with us, remembering to repeat the positives and not repeat the negatives. I want us (Tommy and I) to do a fantastic job of remembering that we wanted to spend our days with each other and treat each other as such.
I try to be honest and real...in life and in the digital world, and fall short in both regards more often than I want.
Sometimes I don't post things because I don't know how many know not to take me too seriously often. Or that even though I don't tend to curse, I'm not generally offended by it. I mean, Tommy swallowed a toilet, according to our friend Callie (granted, she said this back in high school about him)....and my sister uses the "F-bomb" for any and everything. It's one of her "things", I guess. I don't like to put out there my insecurities of getting to be the mother to these two amazing children. I also scale it WAY back on what we actually go through with our littlest one. I don't know where this paragraph was going. Maybe I should stick it in another blog post when it comes to me. For now, I'll just leave it here. It is my blog and it can be as random as I am, right? ;)
I was married, very briefly, before Tommy. My first husband and I did a fantastic job of forgetting to act like we actually wanted to be married to each other and screwed up in some pretty massive ways (okay, I did. I can own my part and since I am not him I can not speak for him). While I'm not totally against divorce (there are some incredibly good, valid reasons to get the heck away from each other). It is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. Strange and silly as it may sound, no one ever talked with me about all of the guilt that would surround you for years to come once you went through a divorce. I think that should be stuck in the pre-marital counseling somewhere, just so people are aware. Life did get better for me (probably for him too, as I said we did a fantastic job of forgetting to act like we actually wanted to be married). He's a good person, I try to be a good person. I've no doubt he's a fantastic father to his children and I also try to be a good momma to my children. Some days I'm more successful than other days. No matter what, though, my children know I love them and I'm proud of who they are and who they are becoming (even on my cranky days). I always want to remember the first marriage, not because I want to live in the past but because I NEED to always remember not to take my spouse for granted and to let him know how thankful I am that we are where we are. We learn so much from our past experiences. It's good to take that with us, remembering to repeat the positives and not repeat the negatives. I want us (Tommy and I) to do a fantastic job of remembering that we wanted to spend our days with each other and treat each other as such.
I try to be honest and real...in life and in the digital world, and fall short in both regards more often than I want.
Sometimes I don't post things because I don't know how many know not to take me too seriously often. Or that even though I don't tend to curse, I'm not generally offended by it. I mean, Tommy swallowed a toilet, according to our friend Callie (granted, she said this back in high school about him)....and my sister uses the "F-bomb" for any and everything. It's one of her "things", I guess. I don't like to put out there my insecurities of getting to be the mother to these two amazing children. I also scale it WAY back on what we actually go through with our littlest one. I don't know where this paragraph was going. Maybe I should stick it in another blog post when it comes to me. For now, I'll just leave it here. It is my blog and it can be as random as I am, right? ;)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)