What would you do if realized you needed help with your child? If you realized they were going to need significant care for the majority of their lives? How would that impact your relationships, friendships, marriage? I've read (several) articles sighting that the divorce rate of parents with autistic children is up to 80%, although I did come across one earlier today that said it was more 24% as their children are in their teen to adult years (parents with typically developing children were 14%)...so there was a bigger likelihood for parents with autistic children to divorce as their children are getting older as opposed to other parents where the likelihood decreases. I have no idea how accurate these studies/findings are, but there's been many sighting the divorce rate is significantly increased.
Tommy and I do get along fairly well. I think we do a better job now, than we did a few years ago. Around year 3 of our marriage we were [probably] ThisClose to getting divorced. That was before Faith was even born. The things that most likely saved us, was I had been divorced before and it sucked. It sucked a lot. I didn't want to go through that again (for better or worse). We weren't ready to totally give up on it all. Even if that meant we lived in the same house and didn't speak to each other. It probably wouldn't be much of a stretch to say I didn't say a word to him for a good 2months (possibly longer), but was not ready to give up on this. Obviously, he wasn't either. We finally did have some meaningful, difficult conversations that began our road to getting back to where we were, where we needed to be.
During the time of discussion that Faith might have autism because she was 3 and didn't talk (at all) and she screamed and cried 12+ hours a day and nothing we did ever seemed to help it, we came together more. We had to. We had to learn how to better communicate what we needed from each other to make this all work. Giving each other the support and encouragement we both needed, our kids need to see that from us. We're not mind readers, so we had to figure out how to let each other know just what we needed. I know during this time, for me at least, it brought me closer to him. He was on "my side" to be my partner, encourager, supporter, and friend. I found more of a "one ness" in the marriage than what I had ever experienced before. He never once made me feel "crazy". He took all of my concerns seriously and listened without making me feel silly, stupid or less than. He can sometimes make people feel stupid (intentionally and unintentionally).
Like he's said (and I've heard so many others say), it can bring you closer together or it can tear you apart. We chose to come closer together and as long as we continue to communicate our wants and needs, support and encourage each other we'll continue to grow.
I'm glad you had each other, Amy. I do know parents who have divorced due to the strain that was placed on the marriage from the additional attention required to care for the child (and in another case children) with autism. I was fortunate that Austyn's autism was mild and that I had worked with children with autism before, so I had a bit of a leg up on it. My husband had schizophrenia which was severe at the time, so I didn't have a partner to share my concerns with or to cry with. I dealt with and experienced everything alone. Though the autism was mild, we still faced challenges that many don't understand. Certain friends and family gave uneducated and unwanted advice for what they sometimes seen as an unruly child. Relationships do suffer but those who were meant to be in your life will still be there once you have weathered the storm. I am happy it worked out for the two of you.
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ReplyDeleteIt took a lot of work, for both Tommy and me. We had to learn how to better speak up for ourselves and let each other know what we needed. That meant some uncomfortable conversations to begin with, but it got easier.
ReplyDeleteUnwanted and uneducated advice (from those that I think are generally well meaning) can be exhausting.